A truth: I am a queer person.
I'm 33 years old. (33 and a half! my inner child squeals indignantly.)
We hear a lot of coming-out stories in this day and age. I actually haven't heard many like mine, though. I'm so thankful for the hard-won rights of the gay community to be out and proud. Bi-erasure, though, is still a major problem. Not that bi really fits me. I'm still figuring that out. It's the widely-known term that comes closest, though, and starting there is OK. Especially since it's uniquely shat on by both the gay/lesbian side, and the hetero side as "confused" or "faking for attention" and so on, and so on.
I didn't "know" when I was a child, like many people can say. There may have been some little indicators that, in a less heteronormative society, we would have picked up on. I did really like Xena, Warrior Princess. But... nah, kid-me chased boys on the playground, period.
I've had many a painful dismissal from loved ones - friends, my former college roommate (who I had a RAGING crush on for several months when I was 18 or 19), even my current roommate. "I think you're actually straight, you're just confused or curious or faking it because it sounds cool to you."
That kind of painful denial sounds like fun? Uh... bite me.
The truth is that I didn't have a solid idea until I was in my early 20s and fell into a deep, deep crush on Starbuck from the new Battlestar Galactica series. She stirred feelings no man had ever managed to.
I have only ever seriously dated men, and I do fall closer to the straight side of the middle of the spectrum.
Even so, there were signs among the male partners I've chosen. My preference has always skewed femme. The men who make my heart go pitter-patter tend to have slender bodies, delicate hands. Full lips, lush lashes, and often long hair.
I wrinkle my nose at overly-muscled men who follow too many "traditionally masculine" pursuits. My partners and I would both wear eyeliner and nail polish - some of them wore at least as much makeup as me. Even Zach, an unusually burly and masculine choice for me, still wore his gorgeous, thick brown hair in long, soft, flowing waves, and wore eyeliner, nail polish, and sometimes leather pants.
I have almost no experience with women at all. There was Brittany, the intimidatingly gorgeous, lesbian daughter of a model and a football player, who in no uncertain terms had no trouble scoring with anyone she wanted, and she wanted me. But I noticed too many signs of possible alcoholism, and so she never got past second base. God, she was a good kisser though. I already had a first-time with a guy I regret, though, so I don't want more of that if I ever find a woman/femme.
There was this random chick whose name I didn't get - I just complimented her on how pretty her dress was and that it complimented her body, and she shoved me against the nearby brick wall, forced a kiss on me, and told me to come home with her and her boyfriend. I was ON THE PHONE with my then-boyfriend Zach at the time. This was awkward and scary, hell no.
And then there is sweet, kickass, amazingly has-her-shit together Jess, with whom I went on two awkward dates, and she told me she saw me more as a friend. She surely thought I was attractive, since she asked me out, but she's looking for someone more on her level shit-together wise, and I'm... working on my stuff, but not there yet. She made the right decision if she wants an equal partnership. And I'm so glad I met her. She's a fantastic friend.
There was a PG-13 rated cuddle pile with a nonbinary friend and their partner, but we were all too sleepy after our friend's birthday party. We just kind of fell asleep in a mostly-clothed cuddle heap. I love them both dearly as friends, as well.
It probably goes without saying that I crush on a huge amount of androgynous, transgender, and nonbinary persons. But it does need to be said. Because their existence matters and trans people's right to live and exist is denied constantly. I also never even flirt with my trans friends, even the ones I do crush on, because they so frequently have to deal with "chasers." I won't add to that nonsense. If any of my trans friends are into me, they'll have to make the first move.
All my crushes have had at least some femme characteristics. When I do get a crush on a woman, it's always a pretty woman who reads as straight (and I also read as painfully straight,) so I never even try. I've been aggressively hit on by several very butch dykes, and I've come to the conclusion that an overabundance of masculine traits... just doesn't do it for me. It never has.
I think maybe dating is like a muscle. I've been exercising my date-guys muscle since I was 15 years old. I've only been actively noticing women for about 10 years, and I never got past the sweaty-palmed 6th grader phase with them. If I never do, that's probably OK. Even if I never actually get to have sex with a woman, it doesn't make me un-queer. The identity is in my self and my desires, not in what I succeed in getting away with.
It's been a very fraught time coming to terms with even how I identify myself, let alone how I discuss it with my loved ones. The election and its aftermath, though, have made it clear that my straight-passing privilege (It's a strife, yes, but much more so a privilege) isn't something I can hide behind a day longer.
I came out as bisexual to my father in a tearfully-written text message, the day after the November '16 election. I haven't actively come out to my mother, but I don't really hide it on Facebook either, and I know she reads that. I drop hints. I post funny bisexual memes and make passing comments about my crushes on Kate McKinnon, Aubrey Plaza, and Yara from Game of Thrones.
The people who want to know, who want to love me anyway, will notice. The people who want to live in denial of who I really am will continue to do so. I've made my statement. What people do with that information is their choice.
If you can relate to any of this, I wish you love, and light, and if you feel alone, please feel free to post a comment, or send me an email on the Contact page. Thank you.
We hear a lot of coming-out stories in this day and age. I actually haven't heard many like mine, though. I'm so thankful for the hard-won rights of the gay community to be out and proud. Bi-erasure, though, is still a major problem. Not that bi really fits me. I'm still figuring that out. It's the widely-known term that comes closest, though, and starting there is OK. Especially since it's uniquely shat on by both the gay/lesbian side, and the hetero side as "confused" or "faking for attention" and so on, and so on.
I didn't "know" when I was a child, like many people can say. There may have been some little indicators that, in a less heteronormative society, we would have picked up on. I did really like Xena, Warrior Princess. But... nah, kid-me chased boys on the playground, period.
I've had many a painful dismissal from loved ones - friends, my former college roommate (who I had a RAGING crush on for several months when I was 18 or 19), even my current roommate. "I think you're actually straight, you're just confused or curious or faking it because it sounds cool to you."
That kind of painful denial sounds like fun? Uh... bite me.
The truth is that I didn't have a solid idea until I was in my early 20s and fell into a deep, deep crush on Starbuck from the new Battlestar Galactica series. She stirred feelings no man had ever managed to.
I have only ever seriously dated men, and I do fall closer to the straight side of the middle of the spectrum.
Even so, there were signs among the male partners I've chosen. My preference has always skewed femme. The men who make my heart go pitter-patter tend to have slender bodies, delicate hands. Full lips, lush lashes, and often long hair.
I wrinkle my nose at overly-muscled men who follow too many "traditionally masculine" pursuits. My partners and I would both wear eyeliner and nail polish - some of them wore at least as much makeup as me. Even Zach, an unusually burly and masculine choice for me, still wore his gorgeous, thick brown hair in long, soft, flowing waves, and wore eyeliner, nail polish, and sometimes leather pants.
I have almost no experience with women at all. There was Brittany, the intimidatingly gorgeous, lesbian daughter of a model and a football player, who in no uncertain terms had no trouble scoring with anyone she wanted, and she wanted me. But I noticed too many signs of possible alcoholism, and so she never got past second base. God, she was a good kisser though. I already had a first-time with a guy I regret, though, so I don't want more of that if I ever find a woman/femme.
There was this random chick whose name I didn't get - I just complimented her on how pretty her dress was and that it complimented her body, and she shoved me against the nearby brick wall, forced a kiss on me, and told me to come home with her and her boyfriend. I was ON THE PHONE with my then-boyfriend Zach at the time. This was awkward and scary, hell no.
And then there is sweet, kickass, amazingly has-her-shit together Jess, with whom I went on two awkward dates, and she told me she saw me more as a friend. She surely thought I was attractive, since she asked me out, but she's looking for someone more on her level shit-together wise, and I'm... working on my stuff, but not there yet. She made the right decision if she wants an equal partnership. And I'm so glad I met her. She's a fantastic friend.
There was a PG-13 rated cuddle pile with a nonbinary friend and their partner, but we were all too sleepy after our friend's birthday party. We just kind of fell asleep in a mostly-clothed cuddle heap. I love them both dearly as friends, as well.
It probably goes without saying that I crush on a huge amount of androgynous, transgender, and nonbinary persons. But it does need to be said. Because their existence matters and trans people's right to live and exist is denied constantly. I also never even flirt with my trans friends, even the ones I do crush on, because they so frequently have to deal with "chasers." I won't add to that nonsense. If any of my trans friends are into me, they'll have to make the first move.
All my crushes have had at least some femme characteristics. When I do get a crush on a woman, it's always a pretty woman who reads as straight (and I also read as painfully straight,) so I never even try. I've been aggressively hit on by several very butch dykes, and I've come to the conclusion that an overabundance of masculine traits... just doesn't do it for me. It never has.
I think maybe dating is like a muscle. I've been exercising my date-guys muscle since I was 15 years old. I've only been actively noticing women for about 10 years, and I never got past the sweaty-palmed 6th grader phase with them. If I never do, that's probably OK. Even if I never actually get to have sex with a woman, it doesn't make me un-queer. The identity is in my self and my desires, not in what I succeed in getting away with.
It's been a very fraught time coming to terms with even how I identify myself, let alone how I discuss it with my loved ones. The election and its aftermath, though, have made it clear that my straight-passing privilege (It's a strife, yes, but much more so a privilege) isn't something I can hide behind a day longer.
I came out as bisexual to my father in a tearfully-written text message, the day after the November '16 election. I haven't actively come out to my mother, but I don't really hide it on Facebook either, and I know she reads that. I drop hints. I post funny bisexual memes and make passing comments about my crushes on Kate McKinnon, Aubrey Plaza, and Yara from Game of Thrones.
The people who want to know, who want to love me anyway, will notice. The people who want to live in denial of who I really am will continue to do so. I've made my statement. What people do with that information is their choice.
If you can relate to any of this, I wish you love, and light, and if you feel alone, please feel free to post a comment, or send me an email on the Contact page. Thank you.
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