You can always trust someone to keep being who they are.

The ones you love the most are worth every fight and every tear.

I'm not sure if I mentioned that I'm back in therapy or not, but I am. I need to make sure I get my head on straight enough to really make a stab at having a good life, now that I finally have solid ground under me and a great partner. And I have every intention of staying with him until one of us dies. (If it's him first, I'll be so pissed that I'll bring him back just to kill him again, because how DARE he make me ever live a day without him!)

We have fairly infrequent, incredibly frustrating fights. One of them is exactly why I was a weepy mess in therapy yesterday. I feel like I really am a crazy person because it's just so ridiculous. But there's a line where giving too much unasked-for help just makes me feel like you think I'm incompetent. And he crossed that line three or four times over the weekend. Enough that I started counting, which I try to never do.

Love isn't about kee…

(A Mini Post) I'm not going to talk about getting rid of my Fallopian tubes today.

^ That is a thing that happened. I'm a sleepy, vain bitch, though, so we're going to admire this amazing crap I found a while ago instead. I'll post about the glories of my first surgery soon! (the short version: fucking OW.)

Meanwhile, LOOK AT THIS.

Because I love you and want you to feel pretty if you're so inclined, here are the details:

Color: Mamba by Wet N Wild.
Glitter: City Sparkle by Pop-arazzi.
Base/top coat:Nail Aid 3-in-1-Gel Base + Top Coat + Hardener

That is not an affiliate link. I would need a good hundred thousand more readers per month to interest folks in sponsorship LMAO! (some day, maybe. I try not to be a consumerist zombie, but we do live in a capitalist world, and a gal's got bills. So, maybe some day.)

I just freaking adore this stuff. I got it about a week ago for like $3 while I was killing time in Ross. It makes Seche Vite look like a damn slacker. And the manicure itself? Totally looks like goldstone.

Exactly a week ago, I was feeling like…

It physically hurts to be mentally ill. Here's how I'm dealing (or not, some days.)

(Content note: If you have struggled with child-loss or difficulty conceiving when you want to, this is probably not a good post for you to read. Particularly if you don't want to read about someone "throwing away" something you dearly want. It's not everyone's path. I'm sincerely, terribly sorry for your troubles, and I hope you find peace. Do not read this if someone being childfree-by-choice is something it hurts to read about.)

Narrator voice: Her energy levels did not stay at a good level.

It's been a while. I'm sorry. I've been maintaining, working some things around, re-organizing, and getting necessary care.

Very importantly, I'm getting my tubes tied on November 29 - less than two weeks! I've known since I was twelve years old that I don't want to have any children of my own. For a long time, I didn't even like children -  not even when I was a child. (Tweener. Whatever.) I was an annoying child when I was younger, and I&#…

I wrote a thing for a local online magazine!

As promised, here's the feature I wrote for Smile Politely! At the moment, it's landed front-and-center on the main page, which is unexpected. I can definitely live with that!

It’s the most wonderful time of the year! We’re now well into Halloween season, or, to the darkly inclined like myself, regular-home-décor shopping season. As a fairly recent Chambana transplant by way of Indianapolis, I was curious to find what morbid delights await in C-U. See More

Forcing oneself to root and create

“I lean to you, numb as a fossil. Tell me I'm here.”
 ― Sylvia Plath
 I've long had a soft spot for deeply depressed, super prolific creators. Almost an envy - except for that thing where their lives often meet an early end - often self-inflicted, but often melancholy just helps make physical ailments screw you over worse.

HOW do they leave such a huge body of work before they go, though? Poe, Plath, Van Gogh, Dickinson... I even start to look at the list and I think... Damn. I'm even bad at being mentally ill, apparently.

My amount of spoons I wake up with is notoriously on the low side. Lately, it seems like some unseen gremlin has been stealing half of them every night.

I was overjoyed when I first moved to Champaign and took this job, because I wasn't used to having a job that left me anything at the end of a day. Actually not loathing most of your waking hours helps with that - who knew? Now that I wasn't constantly fighting with myself to not scream at someo…

Sometimes a breakthrough looks like a breakdown, part 1: “when I finally get my shit together enough”

I have written in fits and starts for years, never reaching the polish of certain aspirational fashion, yoga, foodie type blogs. I wasn’t seeing my kind of pathos in blog content, so I figured there must not be a market for someone who was living a life that’s more of a warning than an aspiration. Finally, though, I was exercising and meditating daily, affording decent food, and the fog of trauma and anxiety were starting to clear. I felt like I had something to offer, at last. “Just write, just write every day, just do it.” went the pithy catch-line of a speaker at a bloggers’ workshop I’d attended years before. But these people’s lives, clothes, occupations… they looked nothing like mine. They’d successfully ascended into the Creative Class – in some cases, they inherited it from parents and grandparents who’d already been there. How to find the energy and time to write when you weren’t even getting enough sleep in the hustle to kind of survive? The reason, after all, there are so …

Crud, Worm, and other appealing updates

Ugh! Why is it so much easier to get the Crud at Gen Con than any other convention I've been to!

I'm finally mostly recovered. Poor David's been having a hard time with upper-respiratory symptoms and some bad nightmares.

At work, I've done some little witchy stuff cleansing and warding and such, with noted positive effects on myself, my own work, and staff morale. I'm thinking I want to get into that at home, too. David has his own monthly ritual, but I want to step it up. I feel like I could do more to protect my home and family. I also want to talk to him about seeing a therapist - maybe looking into some EMDR treatments, since it did so much for me.

In health news, I'm thrilled to report that my weight is firmly into the upper 140s! Less than 15 pounds to a healthy BMI! I've also noticed great improvements in my cardiovascular and muscular endurance, and flexibility.

After joking around with an old high-school friend, I've decided I want to add succ…