#GenCon50: a triumphant tale of whooping my anxiety's ass

Photo credit: Thomas Guy
Gen Con is possibly the highlight of my entire year. So, when a major depressive episode hit, with some of the worst anxiety I've ever dealt with, I was unsure how it would go. And after I'd been so excited because Gen Con 2017 was the 50th anniversary? Now, needing 12 hours of sleep at a time, sometimes still needing naps, with low energy and barely even being able to eat more than a few bites at a time, because the anxiety made me feel like I'd throw up if I ate more than that.

Within a matter of a month, I'd dealt with a minor but expensive bedbug infestation, broken up with my boyfriend, and then I got some bad news from work that knocked me over the edge of the worst episode I'd had in 6 years.

But I was psyched to work with Iron GM again, so I decided that no matter how much I needed to take it easy over the other 3 days, Saturday, Iron GM World Championship Day, was going to be fantastic.

 The people I work with for the Iron GM world championship at Gen Con every year are an absolute dream. There's Lou and Rone, talented gamers, writers, and show-runners, who have become dear friends of mine over the years. There's Camille, an audio-visual and prize support logistical genius. Ashleigh brings so much sweetness, I bring all my bubbly, sexy energy and banter to keep the gamers laughing between dice rolls, and Gigi and Ana have stamina that never ceases to amaze me.

It's physically strenuous to walk around a large room for hours and hours, running to pelt people with giant fuzzy dice, all the while smiling, winking, and quietly helping with any logistical issues to keep the show running smoothly. Every year, it's a triumph, and I come out tired, but so happy to have been a part of it.

Crowds usually don't bother me, but this year, I was in recovery. About halfway through the first half of the event, I found myself having an anxiety attack so bad I had to leave. I somehow made it outside without losing my composure in front of a few hundred people. I sat on the ground, rested my head against the wall behind me. Eyes closed. Feeling like a failure. I took half a Klonopin. I started my deep-breathing exercises, and I did a pretty intensive visualization exercise. I haven't been using visualization as a tool for very long, so I was surprised how vividly this one came out.

 I often imagine my mental illness as a monstrous creature that I have to keep vigilant, make sure it stays in the basement, chained, and unconscious if possible. Always, in the back of my mind, there are little checks to make sure if it's still dormant or if I need to adjust my regimens. (Yes, The Babadook is very emotional for me to watch, because it got the allegory so spot-on.) I meditate and do yoga and exercise, though in the weeks leading up to the convention, I had't had the energy to do much besides a little walking. After almost 10 years since my diagnosis, I have quite a few tools in my hands to work with, and they usually let me live a normal, productive life. But the visualization is relatively new in the arsenal.

I pictured myself standing, my back to the wall, the monster right in front of me. That ugly, smug glare in its eyes that, this time, it was finally going to kill me as it'd been trying to do for years. I grabbed it, with my right hand, by the throat, as hard as I could. I spun us around, shoved it against the wall as hard as I could. I stared it eye-to-eye.

 "Ok listen here, you fucking piece of shit. You just made my favorite event at my favorite con be not fun. FUCK you. You cannot have this. You will NOT take it away from me. You're going away, RIGHT now, and I'm gonna go back in there and I'm gonna sparkle extra hard and make the rest of this event the best ever. You've never beaten me. You NEVER will. I'm stronger than anything you can ever throw at me. I've got this. Now, I'm going to go back in there, and have a good time with people who love me."

 I opened my eyes. My breathing had returned to normal. I was sweating from the mental exertion, so I found my purse-deodorant. I sat in silence for another few minutes, then I went back inside. The crowd no longer bothered me. A smile came without effort. I supported Lou and Rone and the girls to the best of my ability. I swore to have the best Iron GM ever. And I did.

The gamers and contestants had a great time, and we crowned GM Necessary Evil, our first-ever 3 time world champion. And then I made my appearances at the after party, rested up, and enjoyed pizza and gaming on Sunday with friends.

I also learned about some tech that's going to make it easier to take me from a casual to "real" tabletop gamer. But that's another post to come. Victory over mental illness comes one day at a time, one choice at a time. I can do this. So can you. Stay with us. Find and do what works for you. Keep the things you love, and shine harder than ever, my loves.

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